Torn ACL, Fallen Picture Frame

Have you ever had a shower tantrum?  You can more than triple your tears by simply standing under the stream of water flowing out of the shower head.  It’s almost a satisfying feeling…but you eventually have to get out and stop crying.  And then, if you’re like me – God responds to your tears by causing you to knock over a picture frame and recognize His presence.

But let me back up a bit and tell you what started those tears.

As of yesterday's high school graduation, I completed my teaching for the 2011-2012 school year!  Woot woot!  As much as teaching is a privilege, summer for a teacher is such a welcome time of both rest and adventure.  For me, summer is often chock-full of adventures I’ve been planning for months, if not since the summer before.  Yet, this summer will look quite different from what I had planned.  And it’s all because God answers my prayers in ways that I could never dream.

Two Wednesdays ago, as I was playing Ultimate Frisbee, I planted one of my feet to pivot and the rest of my body kept going.  So silly.  I heard a rather loud pop (as did those on the sidelines who gasped) and was immediately on the ground.  After a minute or so, I was able to get up and move to the sidelines .  I spent the next few days icing and elevating my injury….which I hoped would take a mere few days to heal.

Alas.  That popping noise was the sound of my ACL.  According to my MRI and my doctor, it will require surgery to reconstruct the tissue connecting my femur and tibia.

After I found out about the needed surgery this week, I was not really a happy camper.  I was frustrated…I cried…I was unkind to my dear family members on the phone (sorry, Steve)…I was upset at God for letting this happen (especially when in church someone read Jude 1:24 about God’s ability to keep us from stumbling)…

And through all that – God continued to gently shower His love on me.

Last night I looked back through my journals, and I was in for a shock.  Here are a few excerpts of things I’d written a few days before tearing my ACL:

1.       “How much more enjoyable would life be if I sat back – rested and enjoyed Jesus?”  (May 1)

2.       “Sweet Jesus, I want to start on my knees so that later I will be able to stand for you in victory” (May 3, after reading Psalm 20:7-8)

3.       “…I know that if I think deeply enough, nearly everything here can point me to you” (May 12)

4.       “You want the sacrifice of a broken heart and spirit – because then you can come close to heal, bind up and save.  But without that brokenness – we hold you at a distance.  I think I have learned more about you by being broken than by having all my dreams fulfilled.  So may I thank you for brokenness – but even more for the healing power of your love.  You are good.” (May 12)

5.       “How much we don’t grow – or rest because our lives are one constant ‘doing’!  How can I dig deeper into life?”  (May 12)

6.       As quoted from Blackaby’s Experiencing God devotional:  “God does not need you to dream great dreams for your life, your family, your business, or your church.  He simply asks for obedience.  He has plans that would dwarf yours in comparison (Eph 3:20)”. 

Isn’t the irony overwhelming?  I asked God for more time to spend with Him, because I was always constantly “doing”.  I recognized that all things can point to Him.  I admitted that brokenness brings me closer to Him.  I even asked that He would start on my KNEES!   (granted, I was thinking more positionally…like I would pray more on my knees…)

But… I tore my ACL in my knee. 

So, I guess I unwittingly asked for this.  I asked God to help me to learn to sit, rest, and enjoy Jesus.  And I’m going to have to.  And all those dreams/plans I had for the summer?  Some will happen, but some won’t.  And He has plans that will dwarf mine in comparison. :)

I think I’d like to think of my ACL as an acronym. 

ACL = As Christ Leads. 

As the song by Jamie Grace says, “When you lead, I’ll follow – Just light the way and I’ll go – Cause I know what you got for me is more than I can see – So lead me on, on, on and on…”

I don’t fully understand why.  I’m not really looking forward to surgery.  I will probably cry more.  But in the whole scheme of life, as a sweet lady told me yesterday, "This is peanuts." :) 

AND I know that the God who cares enough about me to send His Son is the same One who took the time last Thursday to make me bump into my dresser and knock over a picture frame.

A picture frame made during my high school years that I don’t always take the time to look at…

A picture frame that contains the words:

Alexis,

Trust Me.  I have everything under control.   

Jesus.

End of Year Focus

Well, I have approximately one week of teaching left in the school year…and then the giving of final exams.  Is that not craziness????  This year has flown.  (I should have written this in my hawks and sparrows post…because they fly…hehe…)

How do I even begin to summarize the past three weeks?  I’ve finished my last weekend class for my Master’s program (WOOT!), taught and helped my students with worm, seastar & crayfish dissections, watched silly videos both made by my students (Reptiles) and by college students (Harvard Baseball Team) , played some really fun & exciting Frisbee games, read Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery…

But I also realized that I have done a terrible job with spending quality time with Jesus.  I was so excited to not have to read books for my Master’s classes anymore that I went crazy and finished up the Anne of Green Gables series in a ridiculously short amount of time.  I’ve been trying to spend time catching up with friends I’ve neglected due to my busy-ness.  So, I wake up in the morning exhausted and hold my phone (my alarm), hitting the snooze at least 4 times each morning. 
And it’s not that any of those things are inherently wrong to do…they just have filled my time and pushed Jesus out of my vision. 

Yet even with my lack of attention to Him, Jesus has patiently showed me amazing lessons while I have been distracted.

This past week, I struggled with feeling like I was a horrible teacher – that I was too busy this year to spend quality time with my students because I was in “survival mode” with teaching, master’s work and coaching.  I wanted to be an encouragement to them and my family and friends, but this year was just so FULL.  And you know what?  I started to get frustrated with myself; I started to get frustrated with my students.  I was just plain frustrated.  And then I read this:

“God has put people around you who need your ministry to them.  You will never be able to properly help them, however, unless your primary focus is God.  If you concentrate on people, their weaknesses, their disobedience, their lack of faith, and their stubbornness will quickly frustrate you.  If, however, your eyes are focused on holy God, you will become more like Him – gracious, forgiving, long-suffering, and righteous.” 

~ Blackaby, (May 11) – Experiencing God Day-by-Day Devotional

Isn’t life all about focus?  And isn’t it true that the more time I spend staring at something, the more like it I will be? 

So what do I stare at? 

Books?

Movies?

the Internet?

People who I think are successful?

People who I want to reach out to?

If I do not carve out specific time to gaze at Jesus, then it’s no wonder my focus is off. 

It’s no wonder that I let little things upset me…which are miniscule in the scheme of life. 

And it’s no wonder that I cannot do the thing I desire to do – to reach out to others and encourage them in Christ – because by focusing on people I become more like them than Jesus.

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.”  Psalm 27:4

A while ago I heard this, and maybe I’ll give it another go:  I wonder if I can make sure to spend more time looking at God’s word than looking in the mirror each morning.   (hopefully, even double or triple the amount).

Hawks & Sparrows

This afternoon, while planting seeds in my flower pots, I lifted my head and stared directly into the gaze of a red-shouldered hawk.  (That’s my best guess as to the species).  It was breath-taking.  He was resting on a branch, probably 25 feet away and directly in my line of vision.  And when we locked eyes, I was so startled that I burst out, “Hi!” 

He stared at me for a moment, then unfurled his wings and took off…and I ran after him to see if I could catch another glimpse. 

But he was gone.

I don’t know about you, but moments like that are so exciting.  Seeing the unexpected, like the fox that turned and looked at me right outside my window a few nights ago, or the clear night sky studded with diamond-like stars, just makes me think – life is beautiful! 

How often I must miss the wonderful, the delightful…because I am too busy looking at myself. 

In the past two weeks, I have been thinking about fullness of life.  My thoughts were really spurred on by a quote from yet another of the L.M. Montgomery books.  In this quote, a fellow teacher is describing Anne, and the reason for her bitterness/jealousy of her for the previous year:

“You come into a room delightfully…oh, how I remember you into school that first morning.  But I think the real reason I’ve hated you so is that you’ve always seemed to have some secret delight…as if every day of life was an adventure.  In spite of my hatred there were times I acknowledged to myself that you might just have come from some far off star”  (Anne of Windy Poplars, p. 150).

OH.  To be described as having a secret delight… facing every day as if it was an adventure…

And then it hit me.

Shouldn’t this describe every Christian?

I mean, if I really sit and think about it, Jesus has promised us abundant life.

“…The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  John 10:10

And yet, instead of realizing that we are eternally secure, and that God provides us with everything we need (I Timothy 6:17-19; II Peter 1:3), we focus on what we think we are missing.  And we miss out on the adventure God has in store for us!

Sometimes, it just takes a glance from a hawk to snap us back into reality.  Life is beautiful.  And the One who feeds the sparrows is the same One who cares for us.  Why do we worry?  Life should be flowing out of us!  The Spirit of God lives in us and empowers us each day (Romans 8:11) if we only get ourselves out of the way.  Do people see our secret delight?  And should it be a secret?

So, may “I sing because I’m happy…I sing because I’m free…His eye is on the sparrow….and I know He watches me”.

Spring

Yesterday was Easter.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day – full of sunshine and “spring-y-ness”. And at church, we focused on thoughts of Christ and his death and resurrection. That’s what this season is all about! Yet, I found myself thinking – “They can’t tell me anything new…I’ve heard this all before.” And I felt myself zoning out.

How shameful! And sad. To think that I could already know all there is to know about my Savior’s love for me? But how often I fall into the trap of pride – thinking I know things and missing out on what God is trying to teach me.

It made me think of an older hymn by A. Katherine Hankey:

I love to tell the story of unseen things above,
Of Jesus and His glory, of Jesus and His love.
I love to tell the story, because I know ’tis true;
It satisfies my longings as nothing else can do.

I love to tell the story, ’twill be my theme in glory,
To tell the old, old story of Jesus and His love.

I love to tell the story; more wonderful it seems
Than all the golden fancies of all our golden dreams.
I love to tell the story, it did so much for me;
And that is just the reason I tell it now to thee.

I love to tell the story; ’tis pleasant to repeat
What seems, each time I tell it, more wonderfully sweet.
I love to tell the story, for some have never heard
The message of salvation from God’s own holy Word.

I love to tell the story, for those who know it best
Seem hungering and thirsting to hear it like the rest.
And when, in scenes of glory, I sing the new, new song,
’Twill be the old, old story that I have loved so long.

That last verse always gets me. Those who know it best are hungering and thirsting to hear it like the rest… What better thing to dwell on than this WONDERFUL story!?!?

I’m just about to leave for good ol’ NC after spending some time in PA. I’ve spent fabulous time with family and friends, visited beautiful places, read lovely books, and worked on papers for my Masters work. (woo hoo!)

I’ve been re-reading through my Anne of Green Gables series, and found this quote in Anne of Windy Poplars which seemed to sum up how I’m feeling about leaving home:

“I came up today, bag and baggage. Of course I hated to leave Green Gables. No matter how often and long I’m away from it, the minute a vacation comes I’m part of it again as if I had never been away, and my heart is torn over leaving it. But I know I’ll like it here…” (L.M. Montgomery, p. 12).

I love home. I love my family more. But I know that God is taking me exactly where I need to go. I need to focus on His story – the one that is more glorious than “all the golden fancies of all my golden dreams”. And...He’s writing my story – and the time and place he has determined for me is NC right now. And I will go – I know that I’ll like it there – because Jesus is with me wherever I go!

One of the things I had to read for class this week was a chapter of Henry David Thoreau’s book – and this quote stuck out to me:

“We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of the slightest dew that falls on it; and did not spend our time in atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our
duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring.” (Thoreau)

I don’t think anything is accidental. I do think God has planned my story out – and I thank Him for a new springtime! May I not loiter in winter when He has already given me spring.

And what better way to start spring than to remember the old, old story – of Jesus and His love.

Inadequacy

Do you ever feel inadequate?

I often find myself in one of two extremes. I either find myself thinking that I am God’s gift to the world (which is SO not true :)) or I find myself thinking that I am despicable…how could God ever use me? (this second option is much more realistic...)

But when I stand in front of high school students every day…when I share what I know about the Bible and Biology…when I learn with them about things we both don’t know…I think, “There must be someone better for this job.”

And so, yet again, God leads me back to His Word for wisdom.

“Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competency comes from God.” II Corinthians 3:5

“…We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” II Corinthians 1:8-9

Being competent in God. Relying on God.

W. Ian Thomas learned this in his life, and his words are always an encouragement to me:
“It just came from every area of God’s Word, and very kindly and very lovingly the Lord seemed to make it plain to me that night, through my tears of bitterness: ‘You see, for seven years, with utmost sincerity, you have been trying to live for Me, on My behalf, the life that I have been waiting for seven years to live through you. I have been there the whole time. All the things you have been pleading for, all the things for which you have been asking, have been yours since the day seven years ago, at your request and invitation, I came into your heart at that Crusader boys’ camp; but you see, although you have given mental consent to the truth that I have been in your heart, and have accepted it as a theory, you have lived totally ignoring the fact. You have been busy trying to do for Me all that I can only do through you. Now supposing I am your life, and you begin to accept it as fact, then I am your strength! You have been pleading and begging for that for seven years. I am your victory in every area of your life, if you want it!’” (Edman, V.R. They Found the Secret. 1984)

So, it’s true! There is someone better for my job.

Jesus.

Am I letting Him live His life through me?

Luke 6:45 says, “For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks.” What is in my heart? Am I filling it with other things (like complaining or anger) that come out instead of Christ when I am squeezed? Or, can I truly say an Amen to this verse: “As they make music they will sing, ‘All my fountains are in You.’” (Psalm 87:7)?

May His words, wisdom, and joy flow out of my life…because my heart is filled with nothing less than Jesus.

And when we're talking about Jesus, inadequacy is never a problem.

He does everything well.

Running

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” I Corinthians 9:24-25

My swim season is officially over. Hard to believe that the year is flying by so quickly! I Corinthians 9:24-25 was our theme verse of the year…because running and swimming are so interchangeable. (haha). But looking at the verse again –it’s so applicable in all of life – not just sports.

Running to get the prize.

Olympic athlete’s crowns/medals will only last so long…but am I working for the prize that really matters?

Last night, I was reading All Things For Good by Thomas Watson, and was blown away by this section (now, keep in mind, this was first published in 1663):

“The wicked are swift…in sin. And do we creep like snails in religion? Shall impure sinners do the devil more service than we do Christ? Shall they make more haste to a prison, than we do to a kingdom? Are they ever weary of sinning and are we weary of praying? Have we not a better Master than they? Are not the paths of virtue pleasant? Is there not joy in the way of duty, and heaven at the end? The activity of the sons of Belial in sin is a spur to the godly to make them mend their pace, and run the faster to heaven.”

It is quite a shame when we portray the gospel…when we portray Christ…as something not worth our time and effort. When it seems to those watching us that Jesus isn't worth running after.

In the 2009 movie, To Save a Life, Jake looks around a youth group and asks them: “What’s the point of all this if you’re not going to let it change you?”

May we mend our pace. May we seek what really matters…not perishable things, such as silver or gold. May we RUN to Jesus.

The Latter End

It’s getting harder to summarize the big lessons God has been teaching me every two weeks – because I look back and realize how many of them there are! I’m going to share 3 quotes that have inspired me these past two weeks. I hope they are an encouragement to others, too!

1. “Always remember that the future comes one day at a time.” Dean Acheson

I had to chuckle when I read this quote. Who would have thought that a quote from a social marketing book would make it into my journal? But how I needed to be reminded about Time. How much I run ahead of tomorrow – looking and trying to figure it all out. And Jesus went even deeper than the previous quote when He said: “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) The Psalm-writer also talked about time and he noted: “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands…” (Psalm 31:14-15a) What a comfort to realize my
time is in God’s hands.

2. “Only God can be God. Allow Him to live out His divine life through you. He is the only one who can.” Blackaby

This quote from Blackaby stopped me in my tracks. In these past two weeks I have felt overwhelmed and a bit at the end of my rope. And if I think I can do it all on my own….ha. Now, I do believe that there are lessons regarding piling my plate too high that I need to learn through the experience of this year. But I also need to learn that God is the only one who can sustain me and give me strength. And am I praying for His Spirit to work through me? Do I wait expectantly for how He will help me through what seems impossible? And do I realize that I am supposed to be merely a “channel” for the Lord to flow through to those I meet?

3. “Let us so live and enjoy the Lord that we will be glad when that latter end comes.” Dr. Arthur Garnes

I love listening to recordings of Dr. Garnes’ messages. He was such a wise, wise man. And whenever he spoke, he referred to Christians as “Beloved”. Because we are the beloved of the Lord! I went online today and found a message of his entitled, “The Latter End”, which looks
at the ends of people’s lives. It is even more meaningful to hear it because Dr. Garnes has since gone on to be with the Lord. Here are a few good points from it:

• “If only they were wise and would understand this and discern what their end will be!”
  Deuteronomy 32:29
• Ecclesiastes 7:8 “The end of a matter is better than its beginning…”
• Examples: Moses (Deut 34:5), Asa (2 Chronicles 16:13-14), Jehoram (2 Chronicles 21:18), Athaliah (2 Chronicles 23:21), Jehoiakim (Jeremiah 22:18), Abel (Hebrews 11:4)
• He talked of a man who said, “I don’t want to rust out; I want to wear out.”
• And then he said, “Oh, Beloved, what is your latter end going to be?”

I need to live life one day at a time. I need to not worry about the future…not even tomorrow. I need to let God live through me…and not struggle on my own. And I need to make sure that I press on. I don’t want to rust out…I want to live each day to the fullest and wear out…so that my
end is better than my beginning. It is one thing to start well - it is another thing to finish well.

As Dr. Garnes said, “Let us so live, that at the latter end God will say, ‘Well done’.” (Matthew 25:14)

And this year…may I complete it, running the race (of teaching, Masters work, coaching, etc) and finishing it, focused on only one pair of hands clapping: God’s.