Torn ACL, Fallen Picture Frame

Have you ever had a shower tantrum?  You can more than triple your tears by simply standing under the stream of water flowing out of the shower head.  It’s almost a satisfying feeling…but you eventually have to get out and stop crying.  And then, if you’re like me – God responds to your tears by causing you to knock over a picture frame and recognize His presence.

But let me back up a bit and tell you what started those tears.

As of yesterday's high school graduation, I completed my teaching for the 2011-2012 school year!  Woot woot!  As much as teaching is a privilege, summer for a teacher is such a welcome time of both rest and adventure.  For me, summer is often chock-full of adventures I’ve been planning for months, if not since the summer before.  Yet, this summer will look quite different from what I had planned.  And it’s all because God answers my prayers in ways that I could never dream.

Two Wednesdays ago, as I was playing Ultimate Frisbee, I planted one of my feet to pivot and the rest of my body kept going.  So silly.  I heard a rather loud pop (as did those on the sidelines who gasped) and was immediately on the ground.  After a minute or so, I was able to get up and move to the sidelines .  I spent the next few days icing and elevating my injury….which I hoped would take a mere few days to heal.

Alas.  That popping noise was the sound of my ACL.  According to my MRI and my doctor, it will require surgery to reconstruct the tissue connecting my femur and tibia.

After I found out about the needed surgery this week, I was not really a happy camper.  I was frustrated…I cried…I was unkind to my dear family members on the phone (sorry, Steve)…I was upset at God for letting this happen (especially when in church someone read Jude 1:24 about God’s ability to keep us from stumbling)…

And through all that – God continued to gently shower His love on me.

Last night I looked back through my journals, and I was in for a shock.  Here are a few excerpts of things I’d written a few days before tearing my ACL:

1.       “How much more enjoyable would life be if I sat back – rested and enjoyed Jesus?”  (May 1)

2.       “Sweet Jesus, I want to start on my knees so that later I will be able to stand for you in victory” (May 3, after reading Psalm 20:7-8)

3.       “…I know that if I think deeply enough, nearly everything here can point me to you” (May 12)

4.       “You want the sacrifice of a broken heart and spirit – because then you can come close to heal, bind up and save.  But without that brokenness – we hold you at a distance.  I think I have learned more about you by being broken than by having all my dreams fulfilled.  So may I thank you for brokenness – but even more for the healing power of your love.  You are good.” (May 12)

5.       “How much we don’t grow – or rest because our lives are one constant ‘doing’!  How can I dig deeper into life?”  (May 12)

6.       As quoted from Blackaby’s Experiencing God devotional:  “God does not need you to dream great dreams for your life, your family, your business, or your church.  He simply asks for obedience.  He has plans that would dwarf yours in comparison (Eph 3:20)”. 

Isn’t the irony overwhelming?  I asked God for more time to spend with Him, because I was always constantly “doing”.  I recognized that all things can point to Him.  I admitted that brokenness brings me closer to Him.  I even asked that He would start on my KNEES!   (granted, I was thinking more positionally…like I would pray more on my knees…)

But… I tore my ACL in my knee. 

So, I guess I unwittingly asked for this.  I asked God to help me to learn to sit, rest, and enjoy Jesus.  And I’m going to have to.  And all those dreams/plans I had for the summer?  Some will happen, but some won’t.  And He has plans that will dwarf mine in comparison. :)

I think I’d like to think of my ACL as an acronym. 

ACL = As Christ Leads. 

As the song by Jamie Grace says, “When you lead, I’ll follow – Just light the way and I’ll go – Cause I know what you got for me is more than I can see – So lead me on, on, on and on…”

I don’t fully understand why.  I’m not really looking forward to surgery.  I will probably cry more.  But in the whole scheme of life, as a sweet lady told me yesterday, "This is peanuts." :) 

AND I know that the God who cares enough about me to send His Son is the same One who took the time last Thursday to make me bump into my dresser and knock over a picture frame.

A picture frame made during my high school years that I don’t always take the time to look at…

A picture frame that contains the words:

Alexis,

Trust Me.  I have everything under control.   

Jesus.

End of Year Focus

Well, I have approximately one week of teaching left in the school year…and then the giving of final exams.  Is that not craziness????  This year has flown.  (I should have written this in my hawks and sparrows post…because they fly…hehe…)

How do I even begin to summarize the past three weeks?  I’ve finished my last weekend class for my Master’s program (WOOT!), taught and helped my students with worm, seastar & crayfish dissections, watched silly videos both made by my students (Reptiles) and by college students (Harvard Baseball Team) , played some really fun & exciting Frisbee games, read Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery…

But I also realized that I have done a terrible job with spending quality time with Jesus.  I was so excited to not have to read books for my Master’s classes anymore that I went crazy and finished up the Anne of Green Gables series in a ridiculously short amount of time.  I’ve been trying to spend time catching up with friends I’ve neglected due to my busy-ness.  So, I wake up in the morning exhausted and hold my phone (my alarm), hitting the snooze at least 4 times each morning. 
And it’s not that any of those things are inherently wrong to do…they just have filled my time and pushed Jesus out of my vision. 

Yet even with my lack of attention to Him, Jesus has patiently showed me amazing lessons while I have been distracted.

This past week, I struggled with feeling like I was a horrible teacher – that I was too busy this year to spend quality time with my students because I was in “survival mode” with teaching, master’s work and coaching.  I wanted to be an encouragement to them and my family and friends, but this year was just so FULL.  And you know what?  I started to get frustrated with myself; I started to get frustrated with my students.  I was just plain frustrated.  And then I read this:

“God has put people around you who need your ministry to them.  You will never be able to properly help them, however, unless your primary focus is God.  If you concentrate on people, their weaknesses, their disobedience, their lack of faith, and their stubbornness will quickly frustrate you.  If, however, your eyes are focused on holy God, you will become more like Him – gracious, forgiving, long-suffering, and righteous.” 

~ Blackaby, (May 11) – Experiencing God Day-by-Day Devotional

Isn’t life all about focus?  And isn’t it true that the more time I spend staring at something, the more like it I will be? 

So what do I stare at? 

Books?

Movies?

the Internet?

People who I think are successful?

People who I want to reach out to?

If I do not carve out specific time to gaze at Jesus, then it’s no wonder my focus is off. 

It’s no wonder that I let little things upset me…which are miniscule in the scheme of life. 

And it’s no wonder that I cannot do the thing I desire to do – to reach out to others and encourage them in Christ – because by focusing on people I become more like them than Jesus.

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.”  Psalm 27:4

A while ago I heard this, and maybe I’ll give it another go:  I wonder if I can make sure to spend more time looking at God’s word than looking in the mirror each morning.   (hopefully, even double or triple the amount).